Anonymous5: OBJECTION! It was Jesus himself who gave up his spirit that day upon the cross, surrendering his life that he may absolve mankind of his original sin. Jesus could have removed himself from the cross at any time, therefore, I move that the charge be changed from 'Murder' to... 'SUICIDE'!
Cannon: Yes. It would seem that way. However, evidence indicates that Jesus could magickly heal people and use necromancy to raise them from the dead. There is no evidence that Jesus could prevent death, by loss of blood, lack of air, or otherwise. After all, he wasn't first-aid certified.
Anonymous7(5): OBJECTION! I have here a witness testimony that contradicts your statement... Sir, will you tell us what happened when you discovered that the victim was deceased?
Roman Guard: Well, I was patrolling the crosses at Golgotha when I noticed that 'King of tha Jews' fella hangin' there, lookin' kinda limp, not breathin'. So I calls out t'him, 'Hey, buddy? You dead yet?', an' since he don' answer, I figger he's either dead or fakin' it. So I gives him a good poke in the side with my spear, see... and he starts bleedin' out blood, an' get this... wine!
Wright: So let me get this straight, the victim bled both blood and wine?
Roman Guard: Yessir.
Wright: Your honor, what makes up the majority of the human body?
Judge: Why... water, of course.
Wright: And have we not seen evidence of Jesus performing miracles on several occasions?
Judge: Umm... I suppose... What are you getting at, Wright?
Wright: Is Jesus not able to transform water... into WINE?
Judge: You don't mean...
Wright: That's correct, your honor... Jesus did not commit suicide by refusing to perform a miracle upon himself... he committed suicide by PERFORMING a miracle upon himself... he changed his own bodily water into wine and therefore died of... ALCOHOL POISONING!!
Anonymous13: 7's post was so good, I was actually hearing the game music in my head while reading it. Including the *clash* and turnabout music at the "ALCOHOL POISONING" part.
akigawa: wait a second...MAYA'S GONNA DIE TOO?!
BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
MAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHYYYY
*presents shroud of Turin*
OBJECTION!
Roman Guard: Well, I was patrolling the crosses at Golgotha when I noticed that 'King of tha Jews' fella hangin' there, lookin' kinda limp, not breathin'. So I calls out t'him, 'Hey, buddy? You dead yet?', an' since he don' answer, I figger he's either dead or fakin' it. So I gives him a good poke in the side with my spear, see... and he starts bleedin' out blood, an' get this... wine!
Wright: So let me get this straight, the victim bled both blood and wine?
Roman Guard: Yessir.
Wright: Your honor, what makes up the majority of the human body?
Judge: Why... water, of course.
Wright: And have we not seen evidence of Jesus performing miracles on several occasions?
Judge: Umm... I suppose... What are you getting at, Wright?
Wright: Is Jesus not able to transform water... into WINE?
Judge: You don't mean...
Wright: That's correct, your honor... Jesus did not commit suicide by refusing to perform a miracle upon himself... he committed suicide by PERFORMING a miracle upon himself... he changed his own bodily water into wine and therefore died of... ALCOHOL POISONING!!
Crowd: *grumble grumble grumble*
Judge: *bangs gavel* ORDER! ORDER! ORDER!
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It was 100% fuckin' win.
I bow to you, Anon 7.
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MAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWHYYYY
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